My Book is Here

It’s done…..and will be available Wed. Nov. 14, 2012. Dancing Softly….three years in the writing. If anyone wants to see some of the reviews or purchase a copy…you can at –  Hope you guys like the trailer.


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It’s done…my new book…and first full length fiction, Dancing Softly.

Dancing Softly, a story that shows the resilience of the human spirit and the power of faith. It’s a story of hope and overcoming. It’s about a young woman who learns to face life’s worst challenges and rise above them. This contemporary fiction manuscript is targeted for women ages eighteen to forty and touches on issues of suicide, incest, homelessness and mental illness.

I believe it will give hope to many and show that every life has value and purpose.

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“Sometimes God allows what he hates to accomplish what he loves” Joni Erikson-Tada

Joni has sat in a wheelchair since she dived into a creek when she was a teenager and broke her neck. Her story is shocking. A vibrant girl becomes completely disabled. She can’t even blow her own nose or wipe away her tears. She begged her sister to cut her wrists and told her she wouldn’t feel it. She wanted to give up…to let go….to die. Her sister thought about it for a moment, then shook her head. She couldn’t. She wouldn’t take Joni’s life. Today, Joni is married and her life pain has become the catalyst for many to grab back onto hope.

Hope. It’s the thing that gives the courage to keep moving forward. Giving up is not an option. We don’t know what’s around the corner. And the best, with Him in our corner….it’ll always turn out for our highest good.

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In My Daughter’s Eyes

“Children reinvent your world for you” Susan Saradon

The first time I held my daughters in my arms…..and saw how small and vulnerable they were……and how much they needed me to protect and care for them….I made a commitment….that with God’s help, I would never allow them to experience anything of what I did. They never have.

Over the years my girls taught me to move in the world in ways contrary from the despair and violence I had known.

Their faith in me gives me hope…their belief in me to do the right thing, gives me courage to live my best life. Their smiles with trust and love in their eyes…..pushes me forward to be best I can….and to model for them all that’s good in the world.

I want to do everything to help them live strong, happy and grounded. And I want my love to carry them wherever they go…and to remember always how much their mom loves them and how much they changed me for the better.

I know God loves me a ton…..b/c He gave me the greatest gift ever….my girls.

Wishing Everyone a Happy Mother’s Day!!

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Purpose to Write

“I write not only to understand but to be understood” Eli Weisel

When I write I can get lost for hours. I get caught up in the words, the story line, the plot I’m developing. I can feel the characters resiliency, their fight to overcome whatever circumstances they find themselves in. And I know somehow, at some point in the story their spirits will shine. Radiate. Show the power of the human spirit to overcome and live free.

Maybe it’s my own fighting spirit that drives me to reach for my best. To achieve what someone else may say is impossible. Those words like a fire burning under me, drives…..pushes me forward.

In everything I write….I find a piece of myself. A part of who I am living in the tales I spin. Whether I write about a male or female, an animated flower or a talking animal…..they’re all a part of who I am. I want to tell their stories. Share their pain. Speak of their resilience and courage. In a way…..I think I’m simply speaking my own and those I meet along the way.

Writing….it humanizes me. Makes me feel real. And connected. So I’ll write….first for myself….then for anyone who wants a window into my world.


When we Know Better

When we know better we do better. Maya Angelou

I have dreams…goals… desires. I want to make a difference…..shine a light….show hope…

For a long time I couldn’t…..I hid what happened….I didn’t want anyone to know….I ran scared….living in shame….afraid for anyone to look in my eyes….I knew if they did….they’d know the truth. And they’d believe what I knew…that what happened was my fault….that there was something inherently wrong with me for it to even have happened at all.

I believed those lies for a long time….letting them keep me living less than my best. At my lowest….when I couldn’t hold on anymore…..He touched me….broke through the shame….and amazingly…..began to turn everything around. It didn’t come easy. I struggled against the ‘truth.’ I couldn’t accept that it wasn’t my fault.

I don’t know why I believed that….but the lie was the cement that kept me down….that kept me running scared…that pushed me close to the line of death not once….but many times. Lies. I trusted in them and they almost killed me.

The squeeze of darkness soured my life….and created a bottomless void of always wanting and never being able to fill its gnawing hunger that constantly growled its emptiness. I thought it would win….I thought there was no way I could ever get free. The hold it had kept me down….kept me defeated….

But His love made the difference….it cut through the darkness….It won the battle. The things that happened are become dimmer…And His truth is shining brighter. Love made a difference….His love…..and it still does. Love that trumps everything else…..

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Nikki Survived a CultRape Self Mutilation and Addiction 07/21 by breatheagainmagazine | Blog Talk Radio

Nikki Survived a CultRape Self Mutilation and Addiction 07/21 by breatheagainmagazine | Blog Talk Radio.

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>hunger and love


You’ve got to have something to eat and a little love in your life before you can hold still for anybody’s sermon on how to behave.  Billie Holiday 

She was an amazing blues singer. A black woman who wowed audiences. Raped at ten and then again in her teens, Billie never dealt with her issues…..never learned she didn’t deserve what happened. Her singing….full of passion…full of soul – she poured her pain into every song……connecting with audiences that kept them coming back for more.  

But Billie couldn’t put the dope down. It held her a prisoner to the past…even though she used it to forget. It became a doubled edged sword…not doing what she needed. And in the end it brought her down….took her life……killed her.  

Billie Holiday knew…..professionals…preachers telling you how you should act…and live…what you should do…..and if you don’t…something wasn’t wrong with the message….something was wrong with you. 

I heard that all the time. I was told I didn’t want help if I didn’t do what ‘they’ said. But when you’re hungry…starving….and your soul is growling to be filled…..not for food….but for a touch of love… can’t hear nothing. Words become meaningless….empty. And like listening to a dripping faucet….over time they just becomes annoying. 

Touched by love….feeling safe…..being accepted has greater power than any words.  I had a radio interview yesterday. When asked what made the difference in turning my life around – I knew – the touch of His love… made a difference….love that waited….love that never forced me to be or do anything. A gentle and accepting love that met me right where I was….in the dark….in the pain….in the shame. 

Love had the power to do what no amount of words could. It was like cortisone for my soul….a healing ointment…that removed the infection, the pain and eventually even the scars.

His love made the difference. It gave me what nothing else did. It became an anchor to hold onto and fight back.
Posted in addictions, confidence. healing, drugs, faith. shame, God, healing rape, love, physical abuse. violence, sexual abuse | 16 Comments



“Whether it is the best of times or the worst of times, it is the only time we have. “Art Buchwald 

Sometimes life hits hard….wallops with tough stuff….stuff that seems too huge to overcome. 

In the  past…it was abuse…kidnap, rape…addictions…even professionals and the system. I got so caught up in what had happened….I couldn’t focus on anything else. Images kept playing in my head…holding me back from  living in the moment.

Being  present…I couldn’t do in the past. I can now. And I will be present…even if it’s uncomfortable….I won’t run. I won’t hide. I’ll stay….just like He stayed…..

His presence….becoming my strength 
His presence – becoming my hope 
His  presence becoming an anchor to hold onto. 
Maybe if I stay…..I can be an anchor for someone else to hold onto. 

Staying….being present is hard. Something in me wants to bury my head…not look…not see…pretend it’s not real…that it’s not happening. 

Being present feels awkward….uncomfortable….I often don’t know what to say….or do….. but I’m learning….being still…..allowing the silence….brings healing. It’s not words that are important….it’s presence…..

The hard thing for me now is watching friends get sick…or hurt.  I can’t help them. I can just be present….try to make them laugh….let them know….I’m in their corner….believing for them… win….to do the thing they’re fighting so hard for. Watching them struggle….seeing their pain…..hurts me. I want to take away the awfulness….I can’t. I can only be present.

Staying present….being in the moment…..not running… concept……a move towards living my best life…

Posted in abuse, confidence. healing, faith. shame, Recovery | 21 Comments

>Telling the Truth


“Having the wisdom to face the truth will bring us closer to peace.” Melody Beattie.

It’s getting easier to stand up… be seen….to tell what I lived. It’s getting easier to own those things that I never wanted anyone to find out…..And  I’m discovering….everytime I speak…. everytime I tell…..I feel just a little more free.

I was told that what happened didn’t define who I was….but in my heart…I believed it did. And I always thought there was something about me that caused those things to happen.

That  belief made me hold onto secrets…and keeping secrets allowed the shame to keep me a prisoner.  Not telling forced me to live less than my best….and it pushed me to hide.  I lived in fear of being found out…..but I see now that speaking what I lived….telling those things I didn’t want anyone to know….is a huge key to living free. And I’ve learned something else…owning what happened….telling my story…..helps others to stand up and tell their truth.  

Sometimes I wonder why I lived when friends didn’t. But I did live….and I’ve been given more than I could have ever dreamed…so I’m going to tell and keep on telling…..not just for me…but so others can find freedom too……

Posted in abuse, confidence. healing, healing rape, Recovery | 20 Comments